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Thursday, 3 September 2015
AjNa SS: Dil ki Baatein... Dil Hi Jaane (Chapter 1)
AjNa SS: Dil ki Baatein...
Dil Hi Jaane
Chapter 1 - Lost & Lonely
I really don't understand what is happening. I only wanted her to leave me and go away. Now when she's gone forever I'm not liking it. I'm not even sure if I am allowed to think about her this way. She had told me that she loves me and I was the one who rejected her. I don't understand when my feelings for her changed so much that I am missing her so much today not only today every day, every day of my life. It's been six months that she's gone now. I had told her to sign the papers. Our divorce papers. Now I believe that was the biggest mistake I had ever made in my life. Even after me calling her characterless, she cared for me and my family and returned to me showing me some stupid provisions of the law in our marriage. She not only successfully reunited us but also made me fall for her head over heels. I wanted to tell her how I feel for her now, but I had to be a good friend. I could not do this to my friend. She left me the day she exposed Sherya Bhabhi. Everyone was stunned! Sherya bhabhi was shown doors by Bhushan bhaiya. But nani somehow managed it and made sure Sherya bhabhi could understand her mistake. Sanjana had created place in the heart of every family member including me. I had never thought that I would ever fall for Sanjana. Everything in the family is back to normal except my Sanjana. She's not here. She gave me the divorce papers back to submit to the court which she had kept with herself so she gets time to expose the evil plans that were plotted in my house. I still have them in my cupboard. I have not submitted them. Neither do I plan to submit them. I have clearly told the family that I do not wish to divorce Sanjana ever even if she's not here with me. They understood me. I think they also have got to know the change of feelings which I have gone through for Sanjana.
I tried to find her but was unsuccessful. She has closed all the doors by which I could reach her. I'm incomplete without her. I want her back. I wish someday I will be able to justify myself before her. I have hurt hurt her so much that I feel I don't deserve her anyway. But just once, only once I want to tell her that I love her too. I am one of those unlucky people who know that their partner loves him but still don't get a chance to tell thier partner how they feel for her. I wish Ajju had told me before that he had no plans to return now. I would never let her go. Never ever. But I will do whatever she wanted me to do. She wanted me to fulfil my dreams and that's what I'm concentrating on right now. Tomorrow we, the whole family are going to Mumbai to inaugurate an online store office there as per my dream. I'm going to miss you so much. I wish you were there with me today, so you could also see me fulfil my dreams.
All I can say right now is I love you Sanjana and I miss you in every moment of my life.
I had never thought that forgetting someone would be so difficult. For me before this I could handle any situation but this situation is something out of the world. It's been six months and still I cannot get him out of my mind. I wonder if he still remembers me. Why would he remember me? He never loved me. Or maybe he did and never realised it. Or maybe all I saw in his eyes was friendship for me or Ajju. The height of complicatedness he is! I still don't get it if we are actually divored or not. But how will he tell me? I have changed my number, city and I am even in progress of changing myself now. I wish you understood me, I wish you loved me back, I wish we were together, I wish I never met you. Here in Mumbai everything is different. No one has time for anyone's bullshit. One of the most straightforward city have ever seen. I should admit that I am starting to love this city at least it is not hurting me the way you did. I find peace here, alone!
I sometimes miss Agra so much after all it is my native city. After all I have been there since I was born. I have some different kind of love for Agra. But I do not plan to visit it anytime soon.
There is still something which is holding me back. I have moved on but moving away from that pain is becoming impossible. Papa visit me every month with didi. I wish I had the courage to stay with them in Agra as always again.
After these long six months, I do not understand that do I still love him? Or Just hate him for ruining me.
I hate you Mr. Ajay Pathewala! I hate you! I wish I never met you.